Gods I’m so angry today. I woke up with a headache from the palm wine I finished last night and a sickness in my stomach from the fact that there is no more wine. No more gods damned wine. And this defines my exile in one terrible analogous reality: I cannot get wine if I want it and when we find it we have to steal it, but when we steal it – it’s no bloody good.
Unless you’re looking to afflict someone with a splitting headache the following morning. In that case it’s excellent wine.
Where once my reputation alone would get me whatever I wanted at no cost, now I live on the providential graces of whatever inbred gods inhabit this wretched jungle. I could scream!
I’ve never been homesick… I’ve never wanted to go somewhere so badly. And I can’t. It’s closed off to me, and there is no going back. I tell my companions that once this is all over, once we have found Salisir and dealt with whatever Daedric presence is in this jungle, we will be free to go home. I will return to claim my place in the Tetrarch at Silver Hall. My companions will be living legends.
The truth is that even if we do accomplish our mission, which is damned near next to impossible, “we” will not be going anywhere. My companions are free to return home, but I stand a better chance of surviving the Nanten than I do returning to the Old Empire.
Still, I will keep those promises alive for my companions, it may be the only motivation strong enough to keep them from losing hope. But hope in me is most certainly dead. And what a bastard hope is in any case – what a cruel affliction. As bad as this hangover – ever lingering, reminding you of what elusive joy could be yours while simultaneously poking holes in its promise to prove it false.
I will not rest my hopes on home. Instead I will turn my focus on finding this Daedric Prince and releasing him myself. If nothing else I may hold on to my calling as a Tetrarch, the highest calling. We serve to save the world and nothing less. Perhaps dismantling the Daedric society at the heart of the Nanten will even bring about an era of peace for these poor Nantese.
Assuming such a society even exists.
Gods, what futility.